In the movie Gran Torino, Walt, played by the ever-talented Clint Eastwood, has an end-life crisis of sorts. He comes to terms with his existence, and salvages the meaning of it just in time for the final act of his life's performance. He knew basically what he wanted to do with the end of his life. I on the other hand, am at a liminal transition between endings and beginnings, and frankly, I'm unsure as to which path I want my life to take. Hence all the emotions similar to that of a mid-life crisis.
Most people think of forty-year olds fiercely defending their lawns when they hear the term "mid-life". But really I think the feelings of ineptitude, uncertainty, and indecision that make up a typical mid-life crisis can be experienced at almost any age, especially today, in this modern age driven rabid by the race for success, privilege and security.
Now the term "mid-life" connotes a certain level of morbidity. A mid-life crisis is associated with the "Your life is half over and what have you done with it?" line of thinking. It is also associated with the realization that your life force is on the wane and whatever happens next is only in preparation for the end. This being said why would and 18 year old like me, just out of high school, think about a mid-life crisis?
It seems morbid, but actually I'm not as pessimistic as some of my peers in Minnesota. A study conducted by the University of Minnesota released today in the July issue of Pediatrics claims that at least 15% of teenagers say that they have a 50-50 chance, or less, of living to the age of 35. The study was based on a 1995 study of 20,000 high school students. By the time study ended, the subjects were in their mid-20s and 94 of them were dead. With my mid-life crisis set at 18, I'm giving myself an extra year.
However, I am not interested so much in my death as I am in my life, and what direction it will take. Perhaps being caught between the conflicting emotions of leaving high school (sadness, elation) and the conflicting emotions of entering college (excitement, apprehension) have produced a unique rudderless feeling. So many questions float to the surface of my consciousness: Do I really want to be a doctor? Am I truly sure of my identity as a gay person or am I more of an asexual? What should I major in? The decisions I make now, more than ever, will effect the course of my life, and whether I will feel happy with myself when I reach the appropriate middle age.
I guess my insecurities are born of greater mindthink. When I was little, I guess I had pretty much planned everything out. But, as I've grown older, I've realized life had more options than set, rigid, fixed-flight patterns. Although this variety has been liberating, it can also be challenging to pick the "best" option (for example: children, or no children?)
I call this period of listlessness, and urgency, my mid-life crisis, not because I am full of teenage pessimism, or because I am preening myself for a short life of risky behavior, but because I know that when I reach 40 or 50, I will look back on this period and either rue the decisions I made or rejoice at the outcome. Honestly, I am hoping that the apprehension I feel now will push me to do what I can so that I will not have to experience a jarring mid-life crisis later on.
Source
"U study: Teens who think they'll die young live fast" http://is.gd/1jxx0
- Ryu
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